Leeky
by Peanutbutter6262626262
Summary: Legolas and Kili share a night of magic before Kili leaves for his epic quest. But a shocking realisation hits him when he finds out that Legolas has sewn his seed of care too deep within him. Will he make it through?
1. Chapter 1

**Hello! So this is a co-authored fic, I, Peanut, and my friend, Butter wrote this story...**  
**as you have probably noticed. Okay so BEFORE you read you should know that this is 100%, completely and utterly, no exceptions, a CRACKFIC! and not ONE DROP of seriousness is to be interpreted.**  
**Also, a quick warning: this story is Kili and Legolas slash, empreg, ****smut, lemons and a CRACKFIC. And before you write a review telling us we have a sick and disgusting mind... we already knew that for like a bajillion years.. so yeah.**  
**Also you can expect slow updates READ ON! if you dare.**

** This chapter is dedicated to Nimareel (you know who you are) for supplying us with that killer first line!**

"I crave beverage." Legolas said as he slipped his hand behind his back and pushed the door closed. A mischievous smirk played on his face as he looked longingly at Kili. Kili was sitting tightly, missing Legolas' gaze purposely. The truth was he was scared. He had never done anything like this before... with a man... with an elf... with the prince of Mirkwood. Of course Kili loved him, but never had he gone this far with any man.

Legolas could clearly see how frightened the young dwarf was. Legolas was not scared because... well he's been around a while and...uh... let's jut leave it at that shall we?

Legolas took a seat beside Kili on the bed and rested his hand on Kili's thigh. He began slowly sliding his hand up to Kili's crotch, all the while Kili had been growing stiff. Legolas tried to make eye contact with Kili, he wanted this moment to be special, he wanted this moment. However Kili was simply looking down at Legolas' hand, petrified. Kili wanted this too but as previously mentioned, he was scared.

Legolas realised this was not going to happen. He sighed then moved his hand from Kili's "lap area" and pulled it up to his face and lifted his chin. Kili couldn't help but look into Legolas' eyes.  
"We don't have to, if you're not ready-" Legolas began but was quickly cut off by Kili.  
"No." he protested. "I am ready,"  
"Kee, I can see that you're scared, I understand. This can wait."  
"No it can't. You and I both know this is our last chance, I have to leave in two days for Uncle Thorin's quest, we won't see each other for a year... if I make it through alive." Kili told him, bewitched by Legolas' beauty.

Legolas' smile faded.  
"I can wait a year." Legolas replied.  
"I can't." Kili said, reaching up to place a hand on Legolas' cheek.  
"I love you." He whispered. Legolas smiled and leaned in until his face was only a centimetre away. Kili's warm bursts of breath met his lips playfully and danced on them, enticing him, leaving him wanting more. They stayed staring into each other's eyes, enthralled with each other until they could bare it no more.

Kili slammed his lips onto Legolas' and Legolas smiled into the kiss. His lips were warm and seducing. Kili brought his arms up and placed it on Legolas' shoulder. His nails dug into it when Legolas dipped his tongue into Kili's mouth, deepening the kiss. It swirled and danced delightedly about with Kili's tongue.

(Small time skip)

Kili groaned in pleasure as Legolas gave him his last push. An inexplicable wave of delight broke upon both of them as they let go of the tight grips they had on each other. They rolled onto their backs, panting. Kili's head flopped to the side of the pillow and he peered at Legolas. He took in everything about him. His face, his body, his smell, his eyes, his heart. He would miss him when he left. He would miss him so much.  
"What are you looking at?" Legolas giggled. Kili chuckled deeply, his face in a content smile as he twirled a strand of Legolas' blonde hair about between his fingers.  
"I love you." he said. 

Legolas smiled to himself as he caved into his inner thoughts. He went over his long history with Kili. They had known each other since they were children... well since Kili was a kid, at the time Legolas was a creepy pedophile and that's how his interest in him began. They hadn't just hooked up in some gay bar, okay fine they did but that's not the point. The point is, is that they loved each other and now they had proved their love, and nothing could defeat it.


	2. Chapter 2

**This chapter is written by Butter, who is not typing this but still Butter wrote it! **

** Also dedicated to Sloth ( you understand who you truly are don't you?)**

Kili knelt down, retching. His brown hair falling in his face. His brother stood behind him, face grim.  
"I'm sorry Kili. You're displaying all the symptoms. . . You're pregnant." Kili's heart leapt into his mouth, he was going on a life-endangering quest in a few days, it was no place for a child. And what would his uncle say?

Kili trudged towards the ponies, Fili by his side. His uncle was right, he only had himself to blame for this. His stomach was rounded and felt . . . Stretched.

He was brought out of his musings by his brother's voice.  
"The number of ponies had reduced significantly." he ducked out of the way as a troll blundered by.  
"Well at least we know where they went." he muttered to himself. He beckoned the Baggins-Hobbit-thing (Bilbo, was it?) over and told it-him-her to get the ponies. He would have done it himself, but what about the unborn child?

Kili went flying- trolls were good at throwing things- and landed on his back.  
"Mind the baby!" he shrieked. The troll just looked at him.  
"I dunno if dwarves are stupih or noh buh men- can't- 'ave babies, stupih!"  
Kili huffed to himself.  
"That's discrimination, right there!"

Kili watched the elves warily- he wouldn't put it past them to keep him at Rivendell, grab the baby when it was born and feed it lettuce till it died. It would just be typical of those Noldor.

He clung to the branch swaying in the breeze. What if he fell? That couldn't he good for the thing growing in his abdominal area.

Mirkwood. . . On one hand it was where his one-true-love lives. . . On the other, his one-true-love's father lived there too. . . And Kili happened to be there too. . . this was NOT going to go well.


	3. Chapter 3

**hehehe haiiii. -Peanut**

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"Don't think I won't kill you dwarf, it would be my pleasure." Legolas had an arrow nocked at his bow and pointed at the King-under-the-mountain's head.

Kili was off somewhere else asking Tauriel for a dagger to kill a spider and was completely unaware that his child's father was only a few meters away. It was going to be tough telling him about the pregnancy. What if Leggy didn't want the baby? What if Leggy abandoned him to be a single-parent? What if Leggy had fallen for another?

Tauriel clutched Kili's shoulder and forcefully brought him to reconvene with the others. When they arrived Legolas stared in shock at the pregnant man-dwarf.  
"Kee!what... did I?... I missed you... Am I a dad?" Legolas stuttered. Kili wasn't going to answer his lover's questions. Instead he ran dramatically at Leggy and embraced him... with his tongue... in his elven boyfriend's mouth... in front of 12 dwarves who assumed that Kili had been impregnated by a she-dwarf. Not an elf... A man elf.

"So this is the father of your child." Thorin barely managed to say as his voice was clogged with bitter disgust.  
"Yes." Said Kili straightening his back and standing tall.  
"LGBT forever!" he cried then him and Legolas and any other members of the LGBT community who were amongst the company (Bombur and the fashionable yet sassy queen that was Bilbo) made a disturbing ululation which seemed to be the call of their people.

Upon learning of his nephew's hobbies and interests, Thorin Oakenshield disowned his sister's son.

Kili began panting panically. He slumped his back on the hard wall of his cell. Tauriel had been watching him all day and all night and refused to help, instead she spoke about starlight and promises and other stuff that made Kili cringe. Kili had found her to be quite needy and annoying and she seemed to have some stupid schoolgirl crush on him. She sat by his cell and laughed at Kili's claims that he had launched into labour, thinking it was his comical sense of humour shining through.

"Tauriel please, this baby is coming, get help!" he begged, clutching his stomach in attempt to suppress the internal agony that was the widening of the birth canal (which Kili did not possess, being a male and all, the fact that he had no idea where the baby was going to come out was rather troubling)

"Haha! you're such a cutie!I was thinking that I could... I don't know stay for a while... and you and me could... talk?" she giggled in her insufferable girly voice.

"Tauriel stop flirting with my boyfriend you hoe!" Legolas called as he descended the stairs nearing the cell. Tauriel got the message and backed off to flirt with the other hotties of Middle- earth, infuriating fangirls all over the globe.

"Hey baby." Leggy said calmly. His eyes suddenly widened in shock as Kili cried out in pain.  
"It's coming?" asked Legolas. "let me get the healers!"  
"No time, it's coming right now! You're gonna had be to deliver this baby yourself!" Kili screeched.

"Indeed I have planted this seed within you, it has grown into a beautiful tree and now it blossoms as a fruit and I must pick it." Legolas said, using his metaphor skills to the max.

Kili puffed maddeningly as a reply.  
Legolas unlocked the cell and took his lover's hand.  
"Breathe my sweet, long deep breathes." Kili found Legolas' voice somewhat soothing.

Meanwhile Bilbo had removed his harmless little "invisibility ring" (now discovered to be the One Ring of Power, an embodiment of more or less all the hate and evil of Middle Earth and also a tool of ultimate leadership to doom. Forged by the Dark Lord, Sauron in the fiery depths of Mordor.) He was now setting all the dwarves free from there cells so they may proceed to the more underground caverns and hide in barrels and drop into a raging river.

They were all leaving the cells behind, all but Fili who was determined to be by his brother'a side, although he did not approve of his suitor.  
"Fili! We must leave now!" Thorin ordered in a whisper.  
"I'm staying here with my brother." retorted Fili.  
"Why? Is Kili not leaving?" Asked Thorin contemptuously, thinking his own kin was going to stay with the elves.  
"No, the baby is coming." Fili answered.

Sudden realisation broke upon Thorin, Kili was going through something very distressing and where had he been all this time? He never offered his help or support. Now what had come of it? Kili had brought shame upon the dwarves of Erebor, but right now he needed his family. Thorin joined Fili and told the rest to follow his secret lover, Bilbo.

When they arrived, a horrid shriek echoed from Kili. He was lying on the floor, writhing in pain. Legolas was stooped down at his boyfriend's opened legs, ordering his to push. Thorin and Fili came to the decision not to watch the nasty part of the birth.

Kili gripped onto Leggy's hand in fear. He had held too tightly and sadly caused the blood flow to cease, as a result Legolas had lost mobility of his hand for a while. A mixture of anger and ecstasy washed over him when he saw his brother and uncle stand by the door.  
"Damn these pregnancy hormones." he whined, tears prickling his eyes.  
"I don't understand my feels."

"I see a head!" exclaimed Legolas excitedly, the head if his child. The pregnancy had come as a complete surprise to him. In fact it was thrilling to leave your bae for a while and when they see you again they give birth to child you didn't know you helped conceive.

Kili surrendered all his energy with his last push. Crying was heard from... the area he had given birth from. He could only see Leggy's face of pure joy and love.

"Show me my baby." He said. Legolas carried the child lovingly towards Kili.

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**Hey dudes! So um we were wondering if y'all would like to leave a tinchy little review for us? Thanks for reading.**


	4. Chapter 4

Kili felt a deep and painful soreness working its way up from the spear in his foot. He knew it was the final straw that broke the camel's back (or was it the giraffe's back? He couldn't remember.) The world collapsed around him as he sank slowly down on to his knees, groaning theatrically. (foot still stuck in the ground.) Everything blurred as he stared at the sky on his back. Blood-loss had caught up with him. He didn't know how long he had been lying there before the first body came.

Plonk!

An Orc, killed by a dwarfish axe fell on top of him.

Thunk!

A warg.

He could feel the strain on his lungs growing greater with each new weight (THough all the bodies in the surrounding area managed to fall just in that spot was anyones guess.)  
Suddenly a great shape blotted out all of the sky. Beorn, the skin-changer was falling down, down, down onto the pile-up (and by extent Kili.) Kili gasped as he felt his bones cracking and his organs being squished to jelly. He would not get up after that dashing blow.

Leggy scanned the battle-groud panicallly, searching for Kili. He saw a warg pass by with something in his mouth (was that Thorin's head?) he even saw some orcs torturing Fili with blunted paperclips (Legolas did not desire to help pesky "dwarves"… apart from one.) He had almost given up when he saw something with his super elf eyes.

( TIME SKIP)

The big 'L' gripped his lover's hand, hoping, praying.

"Leggles." the voice was thin and stuttery.

"I wish to see our child… just once more, before I die."

"Of course" said Legolas, tears tracking their way down his flawless cheeks. Two strong hands dipped into his quiver of arrows and promptly handed those arrows to Kili. The voice came again, this time more confused than week.

"Um… Legolas. I'm pretty sure that babies have arms and legs..."

"I know that!" came the annoyed reply.

"Just give me a sec will you?!"

The two hands went in yet again and brought out a beautiful baby.

"Um... How did he fit in the exactly" Kili frowned."Time Lord technology..."

"Right... okay..."

The father of the infant looked up at the other father and asked:

"Look after him, okay?"

"Always... unless he becomes a banker."

"unless he becomes a banker." Kili agreed and breathed his last breath.

** FIN**

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**BUT THIS IS NOT THE END. FOLLOW OUR PAGE TO KEEP UPDATED! WE WILL BE POSTING A SEQUEL! STAY TUNED! THERE WILL BE A SMALL EXTRACT IN THIS CHAPTER!**

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**Mkay. So Butter wrote the sad part. **

**anyway, thats the end of that one but the sequel is coming. yaaaayyyy...**

**more strange au smut.**

**so any way time for the little sample. enjoy.**

**ps. sorry for the wait. were bad people who don't update stories because we were... uh... doing... uh... stuff (tumblr and anime on both our parts. we is ashamed.)**

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LEEKY THE SECOND. BOOK TWO!

Thranduil had summoned me. What did this mean? What did ada's ada want? He hates me because I'm half dwarf. It's not my fault. I climbed the steps up to his office where he was waiting for me. As I came to the door I halted, took a deep breath and turned the door handle.

Thranduil was busy playing 'just dance 3' on the wii. As soon as I came in he stopped, I killed the groove.

"Oh Leeky... you're early." he stuttered running to his wardrobe to change from his pink tracksuit he wore when doing indoor workouts. It was juicy obviously. As he took out his silver robe, I stared enviously at my grandfather's body. It was amazing. Such an ass did not deserve such an ass.

"I.. didn't want to keep you waiting.." I stammered, holding back my ass-enduced rage.

"Well a little notice would have been nice... OH NO I DIDN'T PAUSE GAME!"

"He ran from his wardrobe, his sweater hanging from his bare, ripped chest. This man was beautiful.

"Ugh.. noooo look at all the points I've lost! My stats on 'California Girls' has way gone down! They need to go up if I'm to defeat goddamn Celeborn!"

He retured to his wardrobe and began to remove his clothes, while hating on Celeborn because he had won a tournament against Thranduil at his own birthday party.

"... He acts like he's so perfect but we all know him and Galadriel smoke mallorn leaves on the weekend, and his robes are so tacky but Elrond still kisses his ass... Ooh I should wear this one instead!"

He selected a bronze robe and slipped it over his head. He then went off to fix his make up in the bathroom. I heard him open up youtube on his iPhone and begin to watch acacia videos. I was left waiting alone, sitting on a velvet seat in his office. Ada said I'd only have to be here for ten minutes then I could leave. It's been almost half an hour.

At long last, Thranduil came out looking amazing, to my annoyance.

"So. Take a seat Leeky." he said coldly.

I stared at him from my seat.

"Very good." he glided to his desk and sat down sighing while rubbing his forehead. He opened up his macbook an turned it on.

"So... Legolas has told me that you've been noticing changes in yourself."

My face went red and I stiffened in my seat. Why would Ada tell _him _that?! That was strictly confidential.

"I... uh... ye-yeah."

Thranduil typed quickly on his laptop then turned it to me. He was showing me a diagram of a young male elf.

"See, we're worried something's gone wrong. You're not turning out right."

I gulped.

"Probably because my other ada was dwarf."

"HE'S NOT YOUR OTHER ADA! " Thranduil yelled suddenly.

I was taken aback by this. I wanted cry and to smack him. He was my ada. Kili was my ada.

"... sorry..." he mumbled and turned the computer back to him.

"There have been other mixes like you, and they came out fine. But you..."

"... you have chicken legs."

I was ashamed. I looked down at my legs. They were long and spindly with hoops circling them all the way up to the crotch. My feet had turned to little yellow claws to match the legs.

"It'll go away." I stumbled.

"No.. There was one other before, like you... a skin changer."

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**That's all you're getting! HA! So what d'yo think? It'll be up in maybe like a few hours or days (there's not in between.) as a proper book. **

**anyway, farewell my loves. I hope you enjoyed this fic, we did.**


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